Easter as a Recovered Atheist

This is just a quick post to say that I am split down the middle on how today, Good Friday, is affecting me. On one hand, I have never been more thankful for finding Christ, and for becoming a Christian. Yesterday, today, and Sunday have such a power to them that I never knew before, as I now actually understand their significance, and their impact on the human race. It felt weird not to attend Maundy Thursday service lastnight, since we're so used to attending every year. But we spent it acknowledging Christ in our own way, Tex by watching The Passion of the Christ, and me by practicing cello for Sunday's upcoming musical festivities at church. I am so looking forward to Sunday with my church family, where I know I am surrounded by friends who accept me for the loud-mouthed sinner that I am. I heard this song yesterday that sums up my journey so far really well:

I'm looking forward to being in a place where I know my kid's energetic firecracker personality is greeted with delight and encouragement by our parish, and my husband is revered for the emerging leader that he is. I love the conversations I get to have with my Christian brothers and sisters, and I love the message that gets preached by our pastors with such incredible exuberance. It all makes me want to leap out of my pew and shout a hearty "PRAISE JESUS!"  All of these wonderful blessings are on account of God patiently encouraging me to take my former blinders of arrogance and pride off, so that my heart would be open enough to really learn what Christianity is, and that Jesus was so much more than "a great teacher".

Conversely though, now that I am on the other side of this Christian coin, I find myself really struggling to relate to my atheist friends. I know my calling is to bend their ear and pray for their hearts to soften. I know my blessing is in the fact that I once thought like them, debated like them, and pushed back like them, so I do know what their language is and how to speak it. And I surely have a fire in my belly to walk with them and be both ear and encourager as they hopefully open themselves to God's message as I finally did seven years ago. But the closer I get to Christ, the more their approach to these sacred holidays gets under my skin, and the more irritation I feel burning under the surface. I'm bracing myself for Sunday's inevitable, snarky, disgusting, tasteless "Happy Jesus Zombie Day" posts which will make me so mad that I'll want to punch my fist through the computer screen. Funny how jokes that never phased me 10 years ago make my blood boil now.

I did a social experiment on Facebook this week. A few days ago, I posted about upcoming Easter services and why church is so awesome. There were so few responses to that post, I might as well have heard crickets. Today, I posted a picture of a Cadbury Egg with the caption #EasterIsComing, and it was soon greeted by likes and chatter from a handful of my atheist and Christian-light (those friends who call themselves Christians, only as long as it means they don't have to change) friends. I was dismayed to see that something so trite, so trivial and completely unconnected to Easter, got a more quantitative response. Sometimes I wonder if there's any hope at all for them. And I realize that through all of this frustration, I need to try to put on my WWJD hat and pray for them. Calling them wrong or lecturing them about how ignorant and rude they are won't change them. So I will just keep praying and waiting. Waiting for that moment when the door cracks open just wide enough for us to have an organic and pressure-free conversation about it. Waiting for their hearts to soften. Maybe they never will. But all I can do is try.

And in the meantime, it makes me all the more grateful for my church family. It makes me so very thankful for the astounding level of grace Jesus showed on this day 2000 years ago when he washed the feet of the man he knew would betray him, then experienced so much pain that there wasn't a word for it yet...all for me and you. I truly am not worthy. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, God. I owe you everything.